If a passenger is forced to sit on a plane awaiting takeoff for more than 30 minutes, said passenger shall be reimbursed for said passenger's lost time at a rate equal to the hourly salary paid to the respective airline's CEO. This stipulation shall be known as the JetBlewIt rule.
Passengers trapped on the tarmac shall have the legal right to pressure the airline for relief based on the following schedule. One-hour delay: All you can drink. Two-hour delay: All you can eat. Three-hour delay: Take crew hostage. Four-hour delay: Summon tabloid media. Five-hour delay: Dangle individual crew members upside down and naked from doors.
In situations where an airline cancels a scheduled flight, said airline is required to provide private planes to all passengers who were not contacted about the cancellation before leaving their homes. If private aircraft are not available, said airline shall immediately buy all inconvenienced passengers BMWs. Amendment IV: Airline personnel manning ticket counters shall be forbidden from using the phrase "There is nothing I can do about it."
Luggage shall be deemed lost when it does not arrive at the same time as its owner, at which point the airline shall be declared "in blanko checko" and obligated to purchase the aggrieved passenger a complete wardrobe. In cases where lost luggage is later delivered to the passenger, it must be accompanied by an airline employee who shall be responsible for ironing the contents.
When charging for overweight luggage, an airline, out of fairness, shall also factor in the weight of the owner of said luggage.
Requirements pertaining to the size of carry-on luggage shall be strictly enforced, and passengers attempting to skirt the restrictions shall themselves be forcibly stuffed into the overhead bins and their carry-on luggage assigned their seats.
In assigning seats, the airlines shall factor in both the width of the plane's seat and the width of the passenger's seat. Amendment IX: In assigning seats, an airline shall also do all in its power to seat annoying people next to each other.
All planes shall be equipped with restroom exhaust fans powered by jet engines equal in size to those used to fly the plane.
